It’s Wednesday and I am left alone with my own thoughts. For those who know me, you know how dangerous that can be. As my brain wandered through the aisles of CostCo, an attractive woman walked right past me, brushed her hair back and revealed…you guessed it…a tattoo on the back of her neck. Stop it. I’m giving you way too much credit. You didn’t guess that.
This location has always confused me (not CostCo, the tattoo; stay with me). I’d like to think I can at least make an intelligent hypothesis as to why people get tattoos, but I drew a blank. Was it a Chinese character meant to translate into “strength” (but literal translation means”easy”)? What was it? I missed it. It was gone. If I could barely see it, even if right next to her, what was the point? Unless she has a 360 degree mirror in her room (and if she does, I’d like to be invited over) I know even SHE couldn’t see it. I truly don’t know why anyone would get a tattoo of something that no one, including the wearer, could ever see.
With that in mind, I’ve come up with a brief guide of the tatts I DO know, for those of you who wonder “what does that tattoo mean?” I’m sure I will offend some people but like I said before, if you know me, this won’t be the first or last time.
Small of the Back (Female) - Known to many as the “tramp stamp” or “the target”, many women claim this ink was from a time in their life where they wanted to be “expressive”…and by “expressive” she really means “express my love for men”. Many men. Men view these tatts as directional categorization, much like the Dewey Decimal system aids librarians. Wondering what those categories are? They are…”likely to sleep with me”, “very likely to sleep with me” and “likely to have hepatitis”.
Small of the Back (Male) - If you see a guy with a tatt on his lower back, he likes other guys. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just simple life fact. The sun will rise and that dude likes dudes. If he insists he doesn’t, tells a story of the meaning behind the ink, or says he was drunk when he got it, he’s now lied to two people. You and himself.
Barbed Wire Bicep (Male) - This guy loved the 90’s. He probably loved the Bash Brothers and did tons of curls. He might have even cycled in a few rounds of ‘roids. He got the barbed wire around his bicep so that everyone would know to “stay back”, and clearly so he could keep these “weapons of mass destruction” safe from the world.
Notice how all of these are past tense? Nowadays this guy is playing competitive men’s league softball (I know this because I’m out there playing against him) and trying to recapture the perceived awesomeness of his youth. His testicles are the size of snow peas, but he still has that sick lifted Ford F150 with the Fox Racing sticker on it.
Barbed Wire Bicep (Female) - This woman loved the 90’s. She loved smoking cigarettes, drinking Budweiser (who didn’t love Spuds Mackensie?) and of course hanging out with Barbed Wire Bicep guy. She likely had huge fake breasts, bleach blonde hair and a love for acrylic nails with french tips. You could sleep with this woman with one of two phrases: ”Wow, you know who you remind me of? You really look just like Pamela Anderson” or “I’ve got a sick lifted pickup truck with a Fox Racing sticker”. Ironically this also worked on the real Pamela Anderson.
Ankle (Female) - Reading this girl is a tricky one. Is she proud of the ink? Does she display it often? If so, this is likely not her first rodeo (or tattoo) and this is one of many.
On to the next girl. Study this next specimen carefully. Does she hide it and sometimes you catch a glimpse of the tatt? Is it a butterfly, dolphin, or other friendly animal? Maybe a zodiac symbol? While you shake your head yes to the last three questions, we’re gonna go ahead and assume she didn’t murder all those people in San Francisco. This girl got this ink at age 18 or younger likely on a spring break trip to Cancun. Check her high school friends out and they all likely have one too. It seemed like an incredible idea at the time to commemorate “the best spring break ever” with her “best friends ever” while drowing themselves in tequila and college guys. When she sobered up and headed home, she realized Mom and Dad wouldn’t share the same affinity for Flipper so she had to wear jeans and sneakers and sweat it out all summer.
Eventually Mom and Dad found out, there was some yelling with the words “unladylike” and “responsibility” thrown around, and her self esteem fell through the floor. Fast forward to adulthood and while she does everything she can to hide her Gemini sign from the other soccer moms, when the mood strikes, she presses down the peddle on her Toyota Siena, and remembers that night in Cancun where it was the “best spring break ever”.
Ankle (Male) - C’mon. See “Small of the Back (Male)”.
Face Tatt (Male/Female) - You just met Mike Tyson or Gucci Mane, so that’s pretty cool I guess.